Why It Is Good To Envy

8:56:00 AM Posted by T Laguda , No comments

In the news, the popular crowd own the airwaves and people neglect the important news. There has been a war going on in Aleppo Syria since June 2016 with a rising death toll.

This September 2016, Libertarian candidate for the U.S. President Gary Johnson was asked on the tragedy in Aleppo on MSNBC – Morning Joe, his reply was, “what Is Aleppo?”

There are more people who know where Kim Kardashian was robbed than those who know where Aleppo is. Furthermore, in spite of the sad news and emotional turmoil of the robbery on Kim-K many of us will still want to be as rich and as popular as her for the sake of the attention.

This wanting to be as popular as Kim, Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg only breeds something in us we will rather have buried underneath, envy. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins and it drives us to smile at the tragedy of these people or any other we shine the light of envy on.

Envy creeps up when we least expect it, making us:
-    frustrated at our present situation
-    depressed
-    wanting to be like someone else

The reason the rich and popular dominate the news is that they are not the norm, there are more than 7 billion people on this planet and according to a Pew Research Center of income between 2001 and 2011 more than 71% of the world live on less than $10 per day. This is an improvement from the World Bank research done in 2008 which puts the number at 80%.
Meaning the rich and famous are a tiny percentage of the world’s population, putting that in perspective the possibility of it being you tomorrow is not impossible, but it is close to zero and negligible.

If you put that in view of your present life, envying the rich and famous is like envying the birds. Humans have stopped mopping on their inability to fly and instead devised ways of flight, e.g. with planes. With that same frame of mind when we see the rich and famous we should not be envious of them to scorn, but see them as people who are making the best of their lives doing the things they love, envy should push us to devise ways of doing the same.

We should use envy to drive us to be like these people who are happy doing what they love. We too should start doing the things we love, not because we want to be rich and famous like Kim Kardashian or Elon Musk, but because we want to be happy and live a fulfilled life.

Why Religious Arguments or Debates Are Pointless

9:24:00 AM Posted by T Laguda , No comments

This view is not putting into consideration the people who never get to choose which religious belief they want. Some countries kick against certain religions and some parents instill specific religious beliefs on their children and when the child matures, he can’t break free from the religious chains placed on him.

No matter what people say about their belief calling it a way of life or trying to elevate their religious belief above another, every religion has the same common factor, a way people decide the answer to the questions, “Where did we come from?” and “Where are we going after we die?”

Regardless of where your loyalty lies, your religious beliefs are as right as your faith because logical reasons does not work for religious people.

The moment you try to reason out religious belief with another person who either believes in another religion or does not believe in religion, what ends up happening is you further strengthen the person’s perspective. This happens as you force a stanch believer to come up with intellectual backings on their stand.

The above happens because we are trying to reason out faith and make feelings logical. Feelings are not logical and we are more moved to action based by feelings than we are on logical reason. People will walk away from their belief or a relationship based on how they feel, there is no logical reason attached to the decision just a feeling.

It begs the question, “where should our attention be?”
Our attention should be on the feeling that led to the decision you are trying to discuss instead of trying to use logic to point them back to the direction you feel there should be.
Feelings trump reason more often than they should and that is because to us they are more real and dictate our present view on the things at hand.

That is why good sale pitches always start with:
1)    Stating the need, you want to resolve: making the other party feel they are lacking something which you have a solution. Buttressing the point is not bad, but a prolonged statement can be a turnoff.

2)    State the solution: after you present the solution, list the advantages attached to the solution.
3)    Reason: this is where you apply logical reason to the person’s defenses. Having a counter remark to their reason for not wanting what you have.

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When Life Does Not Cut You Some Slack

7:57:00 AM Posted by T Laguda , , No comments

Looking down on yourself is one thing we are discouraged from doing, but it has its good side.

We are brought up to keep our heads up high and try to see ourselves in the greatness we want for our future, what many people call the “power of positive thinking.”

People tell us that feeling sorry for ourselves distracts us from the fact that we are not alone, it builds in us an ego of wanting life to please us rather than others and elevating our own disapproval of the fairness of life to us over others. Maybe we didn’t get the promotion we want in the office, and we are busy beating ourselves up for our errors and how our superiors are not fair in their judgement. This pity party fails to see that somewhere else in the world a war going on where people are forced to drink unhygienic water and rely on the U.N. food aid to get a meal.

On the flip side although thinking positive is good – when negative things happen to us they help bring us down from the clouds we have placed our sit. Negative events set our minds in perspective of how powerless we are, how much of our lives we cannot control and how dependent we are on others or even life itself to cut us some slack.

Feeling sorry for ourselves is normal. In reality, nobody in this world will ever understand how you feel better than you or will they understand how cheated you feel in life and the cards that life have dealt you.

They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, what if:
1-    You do not know how to make lemonade with the lemons you got and Google does not either
2-    The lemons life has given you are rotten to the core
3-    The lemons are outside and you are locked in because you do not have the keys to the exit

No matter the cards life has dealt you – you are allowed to pity yourself, no one will understand how you feel even if they try. When someone connects to your feeling of dismay, they cannot show you enough pity or love to change the way life has given you, your lemons.

Feeling sorry for ourselves is a dosage of compassion to drive away depression because if we can’t feel sad for ourselves on the reality that:
1-    We may never drive a car
2-    Owning a house may forever be a dream
3-    We may never get out of this country which makes us feel trapped
4-    Being our true self in the society we live in may end up just being a fantasy in our lifetime
5-    No matter how much we try we may never find romantic love geared towards marriage

If we can’t feel sad for ourselves on these things, we end up feeling frustrated and trapped. Tears and self-pity can elevate us, for it drives out frustration and anger which can build up to depression and suicide.

No matter how small or irrelevant your friends or family take your fear, don’t let them dismiss it and you. Take time out to treat yourself like a baby, pamper yourself and nurse yourself back to a smile that tomorrow is another day and you do not know what can happen, tomorrow life may give you lemons you can turn into lemonade.

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Tips On Embarking On A Long-Term Relationship

2:03:00 PM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Listen to the Esther Perel message whose link is at the bottom of this article as this is a summary with my personal zing.

“Ask yourself what do I want to give to someone… (not) a list of what the other person needs to have, think in the reverse what do you want to bring to somebody…, what love do you want to put out into the world, it is better than the checklist (of what your partner must be) for you to be interested in them.” – Esther Perel

Last week we looked at the mistakes people make when embarking on long-term relationships, this here article is focused on the key things we must develop to keep our long-term relationship going stronger.

Some of the key things we must develop for a long-term relationship are:
-    Gratitude and Admiration
-    Acknowledgement
-    Relationship status check
-    Shared Intimacy
-    Acceptance

Gratitude and Admiration
Gratitude is a simple please and thank you. Both should not fade as the relationship grow. You should admire your partner for their strengths and triumphs, not nagging them on their failures or inadequacy.

Acknowledge your partner’s presence in your life, go out your way to do things for them because it matters to them, even though you could not careless.
Acknowledge that they have a life outside you and they will need a lot of individual space to discover themselves and fulfil their individual goals. Do not monopolise their time, they too will want to hang with their friends and it will not endanger your relationship. No one person can fulfil all the need of another and a partner will want to spread their needs between you, friends and family.
Let them do their thing, you do not always have to be part of everything that concerns them, if they do not invite you, do not push.

Relationship Status Check
Relationships should be ever ready to morph with the present. What worked when you first started, will not work when you have kids, when you live together or a year or two down the line. Your relationship should be ready to reinvent itself, redefine itself and change along with the present trend and innovation.
Sit together once in a while to assess the relationship (maybe every six months, year or every three years), ask the question, how are we doing? Is there a need for a change? How have I fared in loving you? What has happened presently?
Go for a couple’s retreat with other couples to hear what is going on in the life of your neighbour.
Please note, it is an assessment session not an argument or defence session. You should go into it, willing to learn more about your partner and willing to change to suit the present.
After each session, do not nag your partner on how they are faring based on the last session, instead approach with love and understanding that change takes time.

Shared Intimacy
Do not make your partner the one source of everything, share your intimacy across friends to liberate your partner on being your first choice of support on everything bothering you. Reason being, if you set such a high standard for your partner, they will fail. Before you met them you shared your intimacy across several people. Now that you are with someone, you cannot expect that same person to fill a gap that took for example three close friends and a parent to fill.

Before you go into any relationship for a long-term you and your partner must have similar values. This is important because other than the idea that opposite attract (which comes with excitement and fun), if your values differ after some time what was a source of excitement will become a source of conflict. You should accept your partner’s views and personality before embarking on a long-term relationship. Weigh their views on a long-term basis, for example because it does not bother you now on his religious stand does not mean it will not bother you tomorrow when you feel the need to pray together with someone and he chooses not to be the someone.
You need to be in a relationship with someone whom you share the same values, for example values on:
•    Money (Savings and joint expense account)
•    Children
•    Independence and connection
•    Emotional expressiveness
•    Authority and power
•    Beliefs
•    Teamwork

Note: this article was written after listening to Ester Perel on Sexual Desire and Successful Relationships with Lewis Howes: http://lewishowes.com/podcast/esther-perel/.

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Embarking On A Long-Term Relationship: The Mistakes

9:24:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Before embarking on any long-term relationship, we must mature in the psychological, financial and social aspect of coping with the pressure of a long-term relationship.

Unlike friendship where the only thing needed is a good social outlook to life, relationships drills down to the core of our being in coexisting with another human being.

After listening to a beautiful piece by Ester Perel on Sexual Desire and Successful Relationships with Lewis Howes: http://lewishowes.com/podcast/esther-perel/. I came up with this two part write up on Embarking on a long-term relationship.

This first part will focus on the mistakes we make when wanting to embark on a long-term relationship.

Some of the mistakes we make when in a relationship headed for long-term are:
-    Contempt
-    Inability to balance being needy and being absent
-    Indifference
-    Neglect
-    Not morphing with changes

Some of the key things we must develop for a long-term relationship are:
-    Gratitude
-    Acknowledgement
-    Relationship status check
-    Admiration
-    Acceptance

Contempt occurs over time, at first we care what our partners think and worry about our tone of voice and approach to the things they care about for the fear of hurting their feelings. When we hurt their feelings, we are quick to apologise and eager to make peace. After time we raise our voice to them, denying them access to things and demand they meet our need. Funny enough, such behaviour of contempt can’t be exhibited at work or we will get fired, neither can we do this to friends or even strangers, but we do this to the ones we say we love.

Inability to Balance Being Needy and Being Absent
What you will notice in every relationship is, one person will be more in love than the other. One person seems to be needier of the others affection while the other’s neediness is absent.
Neediness and absence is needed in a relationship, we need to be close to build our intimacy levels and absent to work on ourselves and the things that bring us joy. One partner may need more absent days than the other, while the other may want the reverse, more needy days.
The solution is communication and understanding, whenever one partner is feeling cramped he/she should voice it out and the other party should understand it doesn’t mean “I don’t love you, I just need more me time.” The other party should understand and not guilt his/her partner by demanding that, “us time is more important.”
We should see relationships as investments of time and space, which will yield returns of love.
If your partner is needy, you will need to create time out of your me time to give them attention.

After being with someone for a long time, we lose sight of why we are with them. We forget that in every relationship everyone wants to be treated as the matter, but after some time we become indifferent to their views and feelings because we believe they are not going anywhere. We need to harbour the fear that if someone is with us today does not mean they will be here tomorrow. If we view our partners as someone with a choice and they have chosen today to be with us, we will regard them better, knowing they can make the choice to be with another person other than us.

What happens when we neglect to feed our pets? Death.
We give more attention to things that don’t have a voice or a choice to leave us than we do our partner who does.
Although our partner can care for themselves, we need to show care. We can’t neglect their needs or wants and we must make time to put their needs first. We should check on them to see what we can do to make them happy or happier.

Not Morphing with Changes
When you are in a relationship with someone what you must accept is change. The person you met and embarked on this journey will change over time and so will your relationship. This change can be because of perspective or view of our partner, change in job or getting a job, the arrival of a child or a new child, losing a job, losing a parent, loss itself of any kind.
Change in the person you are with is unavoidable and you must morph with the change and also with the new direction your relationship is now facing. Do not ignore when this changes occur, take time out of you and your partner’s busy schedule to sit down and discuss the change and how it will affect your present state and the things you will have to do or sacrifice to accommodate the change.

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