Tips On Embarking On A Long-Term Relationship

2:03:00 PM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Listen to the Esther Perel message whose link is at the bottom of this article as this is a summary with my personal zing.

“Ask yourself what do I want to give to someone… (not) a list of what the other person needs to have, think in the reverse what do you want to bring to somebody…, what love do you want to put out into the world, it is better than the checklist (of what your partner must be) for you to be interested in them.” – Esther Perel

Last week we looked at the mistakes people make when embarking on long-term relationships, this here article is focused on the key things we must develop to keep our long-term relationship going stronger.

Some of the key things we must develop for a long-term relationship are:
-    Gratitude and Admiration
-    Acknowledgement
-    Relationship status check
-    Shared Intimacy
-    Acceptance

Gratitude and Admiration
Gratitude is a simple please and thank you. Both should not fade as the relationship grow. You should admire your partner for their strengths and triumphs, not nagging them on their failures or inadequacy.

Acknowledge your partner’s presence in your life, go out your way to do things for them because it matters to them, even though you could not careless.
Acknowledge that they have a life outside you and they will need a lot of individual space to discover themselves and fulfil their individual goals. Do not monopolise their time, they too will want to hang with their friends and it will not endanger your relationship. No one person can fulfil all the need of another and a partner will want to spread their needs between you, friends and family.
Let them do their thing, you do not always have to be part of everything that concerns them, if they do not invite you, do not push.

Relationship Status Check
Relationships should be ever ready to morph with the present. What worked when you first started, will not work when you have kids, when you live together or a year or two down the line. Your relationship should be ready to reinvent itself, redefine itself and change along with the present trend and innovation.
Sit together once in a while to assess the relationship (maybe every six months, year or every three years), ask the question, how are we doing? Is there a need for a change? How have I fared in loving you? What has happened presently?
Go for a couple’s retreat with other couples to hear what is going on in the life of your neighbour.
Please note, it is an assessment session not an argument or defence session. You should go into it, willing to learn more about your partner and willing to change to suit the present.
After each session, do not nag your partner on how they are faring based on the last session, instead approach with love and understanding that change takes time.

Shared Intimacy
Do not make your partner the one source of everything, share your intimacy across friends to liberate your partner on being your first choice of support on everything bothering you. Reason being, if you set such a high standard for your partner, they will fail. Before you met them you shared your intimacy across several people. Now that you are with someone, you cannot expect that same person to fill a gap that took for example three close friends and a parent to fill.

Before you go into any relationship for a long-term you and your partner must have similar values. This is important because other than the idea that opposite attract (which comes with excitement and fun), if your values differ after some time what was a source of excitement will become a source of conflict. You should accept your partner’s views and personality before embarking on a long-term relationship. Weigh their views on a long-term basis, for example because it does not bother you now on his religious stand does not mean it will not bother you tomorrow when you feel the need to pray together with someone and he chooses not to be the someone.
You need to be in a relationship with someone whom you share the same values, for example values on:
•    Money (Savings and joint expense account)
•    Children
•    Independence and connection
•    Emotional expressiveness
•    Authority and power
•    Beliefs
•    Teamwork

Note: this article was written after listening to Ester Perel on Sexual Desire and Successful Relationships with Lewis Howes:

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Embarking On A Long-Term Relationship: The Mistakes

9:24:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Before embarking on any long-term relationship, we must mature in the psychological, financial and social aspect of coping with the pressure of a long-term relationship.

Unlike friendship where the only thing needed is a good social outlook to life, relationships drills down to the core of our being in coexisting with another human being.

After listening to a beautiful piece by Ester Perel on Sexual Desire and Successful Relationships with Lewis Howes: I came up with this two part write up on Embarking on a long-term relationship.

This first part will focus on the mistakes we make when wanting to embark on a long-term relationship.

Some of the mistakes we make when in a relationship headed for long-term are:
-    Contempt
-    Inability to balance being needy and being absent
-    Indifference
-    Neglect
-    Not morphing with changes

Some of the key things we must develop for a long-term relationship are:
-    Gratitude
-    Acknowledgement
-    Relationship status check
-    Admiration
-    Acceptance

Contempt occurs over time, at first we care what our partners think and worry about our tone of voice and approach to the things they care about for the fear of hurting their feelings. When we hurt their feelings, we are quick to apologise and eager to make peace. After time we raise our voice to them, denying them access to things and demand they meet our need. Funny enough, such behaviour of contempt can’t be exhibited at work or we will get fired, neither can we do this to friends or even strangers, but we do this to the ones we say we love.

Inability to Balance Being Needy and Being Absent
What you will notice in every relationship is, one person will be more in love than the other. One person seems to be needier of the others affection while the other’s neediness is absent.
Neediness and absence is needed in a relationship, we need to be close to build our intimacy levels and absent to work on ourselves and the things that bring us joy. One partner may need more absent days than the other, while the other may want the reverse, more needy days.
The solution is communication and understanding, whenever one partner is feeling cramped he/she should voice it out and the other party should understand it doesn’t mean “I don’t love you, I just need more me time.” The other party should understand and not guilt his/her partner by demanding that, “us time is more important.”
We should see relationships as investments of time and space, which will yield returns of love.
If your partner is needy, you will need to create time out of your me time to give them attention.

After being with someone for a long time, we lose sight of why we are with them. We forget that in every relationship everyone wants to be treated as the matter, but after some time we become indifferent to their views and feelings because we believe they are not going anywhere. We need to harbour the fear that if someone is with us today does not mean they will be here tomorrow. If we view our partners as someone with a choice and they have chosen today to be with us, we will regard them better, knowing they can make the choice to be with another person other than us.

What happens when we neglect to feed our pets? Death.
We give more attention to things that don’t have a voice or a choice to leave us than we do our partner who does.
Although our partner can care for themselves, we need to show care. We can’t neglect their needs or wants and we must make time to put their needs first. We should check on them to see what we can do to make them happy or happier.

Not Morphing with Changes
When you are in a relationship with someone what you must accept is change. The person you met and embarked on this journey will change over time and so will your relationship. This change can be because of perspective or view of our partner, change in job or getting a job, the arrival of a child or a new child, losing a job, losing a parent, loss itself of any kind.
Change in the person you are with is unavoidable and you must morph with the change and also with the new direction your relationship is now facing. Do not ignore when this changes occur, take time out of you and your partner’s busy schedule to sit down and discuss the change and how it will affect your present state and the things you will have to do or sacrifice to accommodate the change.

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How A Leopard Can Change It's Spots

9:32:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Here is how I used to think:

We are who we are, our core personality and core values will always come bubbling to the top no matter how much we change our view or perspective.

Here is how I think now:

A leopard can change its spots, but to do so he has to:

  •     Pinpoint the personality he wants to change
  •     Create a plan for change
  •     Know and have a contingency plan for the actions or situations that trigger the unwanted personality
  •     Have a calming technique to be used when the pressure to do the natural comes
  •     Accept that it is a day-to-day effort

What are core personalities?

There are what makes you, you and me, me.

Some of mine are, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m always the needy one in any relationship. My facial expressions betray what I’m thinking even when I’m trying hard to lie. I jump head first into anything I feel will make me happier, without thinking.

Even the things we find funny or hysterical are part of our core being.

Nathan Hudson and R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, did a test on individuals by allowing them name the personality they wanted to change. They then created a work plan and change the things that affect or bring to pass the personality they wanted. It was a success, but both Hudson and Fraley warned that the time that the people were monitored was too short to determine a lasting effect.

With the above knowledge I can conclude that changing who you are is a day-to-day effort.

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I feel invisible. Do you too?

6:25:00 AM Posted by T Laguda , No comments

My biggest secret is, I feel invisible. Do you too?

There is a voice telling me, “If I'm taken out or I vanish the world will either be better off or not even know I was alive.”

I can trace this back to when I was a child, trying to impress my parents who were too busy to notice me while trying to make their marriage work.

I go through life trying to make an impact and make the life of anyone better, hoping in doing so I will mean something to someone.

Do you feel this way too?

If we look at this from another angle, there's someone out there trying their best for you to notice them too. I guess we are too focused trying to matter to others we never notice the people trying to matter to us.

Point 1. Appreciate those who try to do anything to make you happy or happier. Anyone who goes the extra mile when you know they don't have to.

We all want to feel important in the eyes of the ones we hold high or want their approval. We want from them an assurance that:
1) I matter that is why you want to be with me
2) I matter that is why you will do anything for me
3) My opinion matters
4) I matter to you as much as you matter to me
5) I will do anything for you, just as much as you will do anything for me
Point 2. No one can make you feel special or fill the vacuum of self-assurance.

•    The only person who can make you feel good about you, is you
•    The only opinion of yourself that should matter, is yours
•    Assure yourself of your place on this planet and let every decision be geared towards personal happiness
•    Look out for yourself first before you do others. It will be hard to love others if you can’t first love your life and yourself
•    Choose to be happy all the time, don’t rely on anyone or your surroundings to make you happy
•    Laugh as much as you can
•    Always laugh at yourself, never take yourself too seriously

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You Have To Take Chances To Be Happy

10:31:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments

Here is a thought, I do not believe life is linear.

I believe you should take chances and make every possible attempt to live a better and happier life.
Karma (Karma means action), is based on the laws of Newton that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Buddhist believe wholesome acts will reap wholesome rewards and unwholesome acts will reap unwholesome rewards. This is based on the context in which the act was performed, that determines the gravity of the reward.
Christianity’s view of our actions is focused on the eternal, Galatians 6:7 discuss reaping what you sow and what you will reap will be eternal life in heaven. In John 16:33, Christ said, in this life we will face trials and tribulations, but they should keep their chin up. In summary, Christianity’s view is, do good and you get heaven or do bad and you get hell, but on this earth you will face trials and tribulations.
When I look at these two views, I relate it back to life and the people I have lived with and the ones I have seen. We see bad things happening to people we view as good people and good things happening to people we view as bad.
If you grow up in my country (Nigeria) where corruption has reaped the country from the core, you will notice the looters are having a blast, many living long and dying at an old age. Some don’t, but those are the one in a million.
My view of life is from the perspective of possibilities. The fact that you are alive today reading this is based on so many random events and actions leading to this moment. Each one of those events is unaware of this outcome (you reading this article). If we look at the range of outcomes that led to your birth, we will have to trace it down to the first man and woman.
For your parents, they had to meet at a certain place and had sex at a particular time for you to be here. The actions that led to your parents meeting is also based on some random events so is the invention of the computer or phone.
The point is, life is not straight forward, it is non-linear we have no idea what outcome will come from the actions we trigger today. Although Newton’s law will apply to physics where the events surrounding the experiment can be controlled or identified, when it comes to life that same law cannot apply.
You will never know the effect of some (emphasis on some) of the actions you have done and many of those actions will not have any equal positive or negative reaction back to you. That is not saying that they will not have an effect on the life of others.

In conclusion, every action does have an effect on the world as a whole, but whether that effect will come back to you in a positive or negative way is intertwined in a huge web of possibilities.

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey… stuff. – David Tennant (Doctor Who, episode: Blink)