Why Wife's Sex Drive Drops

4:39:00 AM Posted by T Laguda , No comments

A lot of women always feel cheated by marriage or a union. To them the men get all the adventures, get to live their lives, fulfill their dreams and they get nothing.

The frustration boils down to – the woman is tired of being bored sexually and emotionally.

The problem stems from the culture that women are to nurture their family and be there for them while the man gets to have fun with friends and be adventurous.

Time changed and women know they too have a life outside a marriage or union, but since culture doesn't support it, the woman feels guilty wanting to explore and instead of battling the guilt away she blames her partner for an unfulfilling life.

A married man can sit with his friends – discuss sex, how sexy another woman is and be free to say how he doesn't mind having sex with another woman and he will not be judged.

If there is equality a woman should be able to say that among her friends, but if she does her friends will call her a slut, but the man's friends will either agree with his desire or laugh with him, no judging.

This restriction on a woman’s mind to explore and voice out, make her sexually bored, she wants sex and likes it, but is bored with the sex she can have and takes the frustration out on her partner, as he is the only penis she's got and allowed to desire without feeling guilty.

The solution should be, a man allowing his partner to open up, but how will a man feel when his partner says, “I feel like having sex with another guy. Is not that I don’t love you, I just want something new.”

Men think of themselves whether they like to admit it or not as the sexual gift God gave women and will be annoyed and depressed that his partner has sexual desires outside him.

This is easy to fix in a new marriage when the sparks are flying as both couples can allow openness. In a marriage over two years, there will be a problem.

How does the man stop himself from hating his partner’s desires?

How does the woman stop hating herself for her desires?

Men should accept that, women love sex and crave multiple possible partners like them. They like porn and other digital sexual outlets the world brings, but feel too guilty to admit to themselves and to you.

First, if a man accepts this and tries to bring it up with his partner, she will turn it around on him and say, "Oh! So you want to have sex with other people that's why you're saying this?" recall she is frustrated and sees the man is the problem.

Second, stop trying to fix the problem. Let her be.

Third, find out what makes her desire sex.

This is not the same as what turns her on that won't work now because she knows the option to being aroused is you, and you are presently a turnoff.

What you want to know is what makes her desire sex and boost her sexual ego to believe she is a gift to any man who gets to have sex with her.

What pumps her sexual ego?

If a woman feels fat or ugly, her sexual ego is low. At that point only a stranger's comment matters not yours, to her your compliments are because you want sex. That's how a good wife cheats, a stranger boost her already low sexual ego and she is open to sex with him.

When it comes to sex, women are narcissistic. She only wants sex when her sexual ego is high. Men are different, they want sex all the time.

The man has to find out what appeals to his partner’s narcissistic nature to sex.

This third part is the issue. Since culture will not allow her to be open about her cravings for porn, sexting with strangers or other kinky things that boost her sexual ego. The man has an uphill to climb.

I will advise get your partner to a point where she is relaxed, smiling and comfortable, get her in the topic. Get her to tell you her views on the topic and see if you can get her to share what boost her sexual ego.

Try to find out what makes her feel like a sex god a sexual gift to men. When you know it, you can fulfill her sexual cravings or allow her fulfill it if she doesn't need a third party (i.e. you).

If you're a woman reading this, sexual longings don't make you a slut it is normal, and I will advise if your man wants to know, tell him.

Emotional boredom happens to both men and women. The moment you think your partner is the way out of loneliness and depression, get ready for disappointment. What a burden to place on another, and no man or woman can carry that load.

Start to do things for you, don't blame the spouse or children for not feeling fulfilled. You are not fulfilled because you tied fulfillment to others, giving them a load too heavy for both your spouse and children to carry. Stop lying to yourself that, "they didn't let you try things, or they took all your time." You are not fulfilled because you refused to try things or make out time for yourself. Stop blaming others for the things you allowed to happen to you.

Take charge of your life and seek fulfillment outside the home.

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Exploring Sex

2:27:00 PM Posted by T Laguda , No comments

Which act of sex is good or bad?

We grow up with many sayings on which sexual act should be allowed, classifying sexual acts as good or bad.

Sex is not bad and desires are to be explored not subdued, but that alone brings up a question. Which is better, to be monogamous or promiscuous?

In promiscuity you don’t need to worry about the partner’s feelings concerning your cravings. In Monogamy, you inform your partner and pray he/she is not turned off by your cravings or see you as abnormal.

The reason many sexual desires (S&M, fellatio, role playing etc) are never explored is the fear of being seen as abnormal by your partner. When a stranger sees you as abnormal because you want to suck their toe or play with their knee it doesn’t matter, but when your partner or spouse sees you as abnormal it can cause the other party to withdraw.

Monogamy is safe and by far the best way to go over promiscuity. Promiscuity can be seen as eating too much of something, after sometime it doesn’t have the same feel as it used to. Sex in a monogamous relationship should be cherished as it builds bonds and solidifies the relationship. There should not be any set guidelines on sex between two people in a relationship. We need to be more open to the sexual cravings of our partner and be willing to explore it with them.

Sex should not move from kissing to coitus, it has to be fun and something you and your partner look forward to each time.


Be open

Listen to your partner’s sexual cravings, ask what they want and no matter how weird, try it with an open mind, let the pleasure be you are pleasuring them.

Be Ready to Switch

Don’t let it all be about you and your cravings, no hugging of the pleasure, but switch to what they like also and both of you will be happy.

Be Honest

When an act results in pain which you can’t bear, voice out. Trying out things doesn’t mean you have to stick with it, what you are doing is trying to work out what is best for you both.

The whole idea is pleasuring your partner not yourself, if your partner likes something that doesn’t cause you any physical pain you can’t bear, go for it.


The purpose of opening up is to better understand how to make your partner climax. Find the thing that takes your partner over the wall. Look at sex with your partner like the act of masturbation, it is not how long that matters, but the orgasm at the end.


There is a line that should be drawn, when the sexual craving has to do with both you and your partner, no problem. When the craving goes as far as inviting a third party into the mix, then you have gone too far.

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Self-Discovery: Anxiety

9:46:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments

When we first get a new job, we rise up early to get to it, there is excitement as we discover and explore. We are like a child who just discovered an open field at the back of the house, we run about excited at the possibilities of an adventure.

As time goes by, the excitement ceases and we start looking for new reasons to keep going to work each day. We redefine our meaning of fulfillment to mean more money, a good status and the right person will in turn bring fulfillment, but does it?

When we get these things, our anxiety level increases because we fear we will lose them. At the end we postpone fulfillment by wanting more money, a better status, becoming controlling over our lover or never satisfied with them.

We live in a world pumped with so much information and with each passing through our brain making it difficult for us to focus on what we want from life. The basic entertainment on TV streamlines our focus on money, power and love, but life has more to offer than these. We should be more anxious on attaining the most important thing of all, “our element.”

As different as we are, so are our gifts and talents. There isn’t anybody on this earth who does not have over one gift or talent, but as Sir Ken Robinson states, our education structure is flawed. The education structure encloses us and forces us to think within a box.

You will hear many accepting that they have no talent or they haven’t found theirs. Schools are supposed to be the one to help us discover our gifts with our parents backing off so we can find ourselves, but schools do not and our parents are trying to direct our lives.

In you are untapped talents, and instead of being anxious on money, traveling, moving, houses, status and love, you should be anxious on finding your element.

Your element is what you are just good at, which you find meaningful.

Raj Raghunathan characterizes the experience of being in your element below (in his series of a life of happiness and fulfillment, there he calls element, flow):

A Distorted Perception of Time: Time slows down when you are in your element and 5 hours will be like 5 minutes, because time flies when you are having fun.

Lack of Self-Consciousness: When you are in your element you are so captivated by what is happening you are unaware of yourself. You are not judging or evaluating how good or how bad you are – you are just doing your thing.

Intense Focus On the Present Moment: When in your element your attention is devoted to the next step and not worried about tomorrow.

Let the discovery of your element be the reason for being anxious.

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Marriage: After Love Fades

9:34:00 AM Posted by T Laguda No comments
Is love real or fictitious?

Love is a strong feeling, a feeling many sometimes can’t control. It makes people safe, warm, happy and protected. When love comes loneliness goes away and telepathy comes to stay and you both are in sync, knowing what’s on your individual minds without saying nothing.

The above can be fun, but it is fictitious. Love the feeling fades and when it does after some months or years, what is left is the urge to reignite the feeling again with someone else or you feel trapped in what is called a “loveless marriage.”

Love is not a feeling it is an art, a skill one harnesses.

You cannot master love because as you age with your partner, they morph and so do you.

The love skill starts from the moment you meet your partner.

From that moment throw away any expected outcome of the union and accept the facts below:


We go into relationships and marriage hoping the person will be the one who completely understands us.

There is no such thing.

We spend our lives discovering the many possibilities, capabilities of ourselves, and we expect someone who has been in our life for just a few months or years compared to the time we have been alive to get us.

In each of us is a difficult, uncompromising and selfish child. We go into relationships wanting our partner to meet our needs, believing we are easy or easy to live with.

No one is easy to live with or easy altogether, everyone has different forms of crazy, and the only way we can make our relationship work is by being honest with our partner from the start.

We should sit before one another and share our craziness and you are not ready to be in a relationship if you are not ready to be honest on your craziness and having a firm control over it.

If you are in a relationship, change your view of your partner, see them as your child (see them as a 2-year-old, says philosopher Alain de Botton). You will not walk away from your child or lose your temper when they make a mistake, instead you make excuses for them and try your best to study them, meet their need and make them happy. When the same feeling has a reciprocate response from your partner, you will find it easier to cope with one another.

When you accept each other as a child, it allows you to view what they do as idiotic, not in an annoying sense, but in a comic sense. Allow yourself to see the comedy in your partner’s childish behaviour.

Goodbye to Loneliness

This brings us to the real world versus the TV world. In the TV world the couple have nothing to do, but to be there for one another. They wake up together, hang out all day and you never see them do any chores.

In real life, we go to work, the possibility of us waking up at the same time is slim because in marriage various responsibilities are handled by each person and at different intervals. With that in mind, there will be times when you will be alone in the same house while your partner is in another room.

Loneliness is one thing we want to get away from and we go into relationships hoping they will help rid us of our loneliness. Loneliness is something we must handle on our own. It is part of our everyday existence and handling it is important.

With a firm grip on your loneliness and being able to keep yourself entertained even if nobody is around, will help strengthen your relationship.

In a relationship where both have a firm grip on their loneliness, then both will be happy when together and be able to sustain themselves when apart.


Going into a relationship hoping you will never need to voice out anymore is impossible.

Love doesn’t give telepathic powers, and it is impossible for your partner to “Just Know” how you feel if you do not voice it out.

The silent treatment is not a way to mend fences it is a way to break them, when you are upset or angry with your partner for what they said or did, tell them. You are doing yourself a big favour.


Happiness or being happy should not depend on your partner, chances are they too are not as good at being happy by themselves and hope that life with you will be the end to unhappiness.

We must learn to make happiness enhancing decisions and master the art of being happy by ourselves, being happy with the people we see daily and being happy with how we live our lives. You cannot control the world around you and things will make you sad and angry, but that too is a lesson we must learn, we must master how to bounce back from a puncture to our happiness balloon. Your partner will do things to make you angry and you must have learned how to recover when your happiness balloon is punctured.

When we have secured these lessons in our minds, we can then step into marriage knowing we shall continue to live our life making happiness enhancing decisions.

Our partner should never be the source of our happiness.

Above are extracts from Alain De Botton: Romanticism click here to listen

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